Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Fucking Christmas!




This is a picture of the Virgin Mary I got off of Susie Bright's Blog -- she was using it to talk about Global Orgasm Day or G.O.D. for short. If you didn't come on December 22, you are going to have to wait for G.O.D. until next year.

Between the picture and the acronym, I plummeted into a spiritual rapture. This in fact is the Mary of Mormon-dom. This is Mary the Mother of Christ. This is why every good little Mormon boy wants to be righteous.

The theological basis are two fundamental concepts of Mormon doctrine:

1. As man now is, God once was, as God now is Man may become.

2. 1 Nephi 11:14-18 of the Book of Mormon. I have put in a modern day English translation as well, for those of you unaccustomed to reading translations off of golden plates:

14 And it came to pass that I saw the a heavens open; and an angel came down and stood before me; and he said unto me: Nephi, what beholdest thou?

Nephi: Holy shit! You are an angel.

Angel: "Wadda ya see?".

15 And I said unto him: A virgin, most beautiful and fair above all other virgins.

Nephi: "A virgin, a damn fine virgin -- the hottest virgin ever."

16 And he said unto me: Knowest thou the condescension of God?

Angel: "Did you know God gets down?"

17 And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

Nephi: "I knew God loves us, but you've got to be kidding me -- seems a little bit too much like some Catholic priests."

18 And he said unto me: Behold, the virgin whom thou seest is the mother of the Son of God, after the manner of the flesh.

Angel: "Nope, I'm not kidding you. God banged that hot virgin and knocked her up. She had a boy."

The logical conclusion of these two doctrines for any young devout male believer is that be good and you can become like God and go around impregnating the hottest virgins on the worlds you create. So now you know why my heart started fluttering when Susie posted that picture of Mary. I even sent an email to the artist to see if I could buy a print. I want to spend more of my time contemplating the glories of the celestial realms of heaven.

As Christmas time winds down, I'm a little dismayed that this year I never quite captured the true spirit of a Mormon Christmas. Although I believe that all you Christians should be damn glad that Mary was hot enough to have God knock her up, so we can go out and spend all our cash during the winter solstice.

2 comments:

C. L. Hanson said...

That's hilarious!!! I didn't realize it was spelled out quite that directly in the BoM!!!

I read Susie Bright's statement on G.O.D., and I agree it's silly to think that such a thing could "change the energy fields" or some other new-agey thing. I'd assumed the whole G.O.D. thing was meant as a kind of tongue-in-cheek participative version of "make move not war." :D

T Wanker said...

Not only is it spelled out that specifically in the BoM, it is taught extensively in the doctrinal commentaries as well. I've got all my old church books in boxes, or I'd give you McConkie or Talmage on the not-so immaculate conception.

MORMON EROTICA

The blog is devoted to exploring sexual issues arising out of American and Mormon culture. While the prurient may occasionally surface and while the tone may be sarcastic or sacreligious, the discussion is serious. I want to get deep.