The Wonderful World of Disney: Thoughts that Flashed Across My Mind When Flashed With Britney's Cunt

The Magic Kingdom is the closest thing Mormons have to an earthly version of the Celestial Kingdom. The ritual vacation to Disneyland in a mini-van, fraught with the danger of leaving one of the eight kids at a rest stop, is the Celestial family's right of passage. Disney also signifies wholesome and uplifting G-rated fare for Monday night viewing (and for those of my generation, Sunday night's The Wonderful World of Disney was the fourth church meeting of the day). An entire generation of Mormon children were raised on the mystical stories of Ariel the Mermaid, Belle the Beauty, Jasmine the Iraqi and Angel Moroni.

As the mass media became more massive, Disney multiplied and replenished itself across the earth. Most changes were for the better and Walt was surreptitiously baptized for the dead and given his temple endowments at about the time of the release of The Little Mermaid. His necrophilic baptismal dunking even erased the sin of that apostate Touchstone division that developed R-rated movies.

Soon Walt was working his magic from the spirit world and Disney bought ABC and ESPN ravaging Monday Night Football, relegating it to ESPN, in a move that Mormons could only see as providential, since pure tithe payers couldn't afford cable. The Disney Channel was the Clean Flicks answer to cable television – the Mousketeers, the remakes of old Disney Classic movies like The Parent Trap, the geeky live action princess of The Princess Diaries. Disney captured every little Mormon girl's heart.

The Second Coming of Christ must be at hand – a DVD in every mini-van spreading the gospel of Disney.

All would have been well in Zion if it weren't for that fucking devil, Lucifer the Son of the Morning. In what can only be considered a coup rivaling his first victory in the Garden of Eden with his long, tempting snake, the Devil went down to Disney and has reeked havoc.

Alice may be jacking off to get to Wonderland – but she isn't the only one.

Former Mousketeers commit all kinds of atrocities making Annette's Beach Blanket Bingo pale in comparison: Justin Timberlake sings songs about Sexy Back (is that anal sex guys?) and strips an accused pedophile's sister's blouse, exposing her nipple at the Super Bowl, plus he is apparently boning Cameron Diaz. Britney is flashing her cunt all over the internet. You know things are bad when Christina Aguilera seems like the purest one of the bunch.

Then there are the movie stars. Not to be out done by her Mousketeer counterparts, Lindsay of The Parent Trap flashes, exposes her nipples and is going to be in a new movie as a topless dancer. In a slightly more subtle descent into decadence, Anne Hathaway obliterates her princess-ness with a see-through blouse and starring in movies where she not only gets naked, she gets jiggy. and marries a gay guy.

The one deficiency the Devil has is he is lacking some gay Disney. I just don't think the Britney/Madonna/Christina kiss fest or a drunken Lindsay making out with some girl qualifies. Where is the gay Gaston? The gay Genie? Hook as Peter Pan's jilted lover and cranky having to settle for Smee? Maybe they are all hiding out with Winnie the Pooh and Tigger. Maybe Ursla the Sea Witch is really a drag queen. Hopefully, the perverse readers of this blog can enlighten us on which Disney character gets them the hottest and we can give Beelzebub a hand.

I say this in the name of Mickey Mouse, Amen.

Ulysses and the Mormons

James Joyce's novel Ulysses has been the bane of my existence for some time. I've tried to read it for over twenty five years and am amidst my most current assault on the text, having penetrated over 450 pages so far.

Amidst the Circe episode detailing Leopold Bloom's hallucinations in the Dublin red light district on June 16, 1904, Bloom is dreaming of his trial for harassing the good women of Dublin. The episode is written in the style of a play.

First Watch: He is a marked man. Another girl's plait cut. Wanted: Jack the Ripper. A thousand pounds reward.

Second Watch: (Awed, whispers.) And in black. A mormon. Anarchist.

The Crier: (Loudly.) Whereas Leopold Bloom of no fixed abode is a wellknown dynamitard, forger, bigamist, bawd and cuckold and a public nuisance to the citizens of Dublin and whereas at this commission of assizes the most honorable . . .

(His Honour, sir Frederick Falkiner, recorder of Dublin, in judicial garb of grey stone rises from the bench, stonebearded. He bears in his arms an umbrella sceptre. From his forehead arise starkly the Mosaic ramshorns.)

The Recorder: I will put an end to this white slave traffic and rid Dublin of this odious pest. Scandalous! (He dons the black cap.) Let him be taken, Mr. Subsheriff, from the dock where he now stands and detained in custody in Mountjoy prison during His Majesty's pleasure and there be hanged by the neck until he is dead and therein fail not at your peril or may the Lord have mercy on your soul. Remove him.

Wow! In less than a page Bloom is classified as a serial killer, a mormon, an anarchist, a forger, a bawd, a bigamist, a cuckold, a public nuisance, a political rabble-rouser, a white slave trader and a general pest, prompting him in the most Republican fashion to be sentenced to death. Bless the Courts of the United States that saw fit to allow such obscenity into our country back in December of 1933. While the 1933 fight raged over the obscenity trial, I think it is interesting to find the perception of the outside world of seventy years ago. James Joyce never got to see any "Give your children everything, give them your time" public service announcements. For him, "Mormon" was a derogatory term heaped upon the other charges against Bloom -- a term that denoted lasciviousness and wanton surrender to the appetites of the flesh.

Ahh, for the good old days of Mormonism.

P.S. I noticed the horns on the recorder and it made me think of the old rumors that Mormon's had horns. Does anyone know the origin of how Mormons came to have horns? Is it a carry over from the lascivious satyr or the horned cuckold?