Where Has All The Horniness Gone?

From my earliest years growing up, I've heard the myth/rumor/urban legend that anti-Mormons claimed that Mormons had horns. Now, Mormons aren't exactly the first religion to have a claim on horny appendages to the forehead. Jews have long been accused of having horns, given their close proximity to Lucifer and his horned-headed hosts of demons. Satanists, too, have been accused of sprouting bovine brows. Michelangelo even sculpted Moses (pre-Charlton Heston) with horns. The reasons vary as to why Moses would have horns. The apologists say Michelangelo misinterpreted Exodus 34:29-35 in which "rays of light" were translated into "horns". The Jews claim that Michelangelo was just catering to the whims of the day in portraying Moses, the uber-Jew, as horned. Or maybe it was an ironic commentary on the Ten Commandments.

Mormons in their bid to copy everything from other religions, especially the Jews, probably adopted the horned Jew myth as part of their new and improved persecution/Exodus mythology. Brigham was our Moses -- the American Moses, I recall reading in some history book in 4th Grade. We don't have locust, we have crickets. Pharoah is replaced by Governor Boggs and the Extermination Order. The Red Sea doesn't part, the Mississippi freezes over. It seemed very important that we copy everything, right down to Moses' horns. I'm surprised that Utah lake wasn't named Galilee and the Great Salt Lake as the Really Dead Sea. The river got named Jordan though.

Or I could be just completely wrong and the whole Mormon/Horns thing came out of the early days of polygamy when the Mormon's neighbors were saying how horny those Mormons were.

Now, Jews, Moses and Mormons aren't the only creatures to be bestowed with horns. The succubus, the female devil that takes human form, fucks human males to the point of exhaustion or death -- i.e. every guys fantasy. Being a demon, she is usually portrayed with horns sprouting out of her head. Now most guys won't admit this, but real women (sans horns) are pretty fucking scary when it comes to fucking. Women have this demonic power to keep coming and coming. They can go until we are limp and still be wanting action. Viagra sells, not because men don't think they can't get it up, but because they know when faced with female sexuality in all its force, they can't keep up.

I found this one picture below of a succubus at work. Not only does she appear to be fucking this guy until he shrivels, she's doing it while in the splits. (I have no idea about the creepy kid in the upper right corner.)

So what is the point of all this horniness? Well, first an apology because I let real life get in the way of my blogging -- damn bills, damn job. Second, I was thinking of my own appendage and what pleasure it brings when it is in its horned state. This cultural Mormon wants his mercurial horn to be in excellent working order. Third, I was thinking of all the potential double entendre with "horn." Feel free to add to them in the comments if you can think of more:

On the horns of a dilemma is how I feel when my horn is deciding whether to enter or not.
Moroni has that horn in his mouth, a clarion call to the other horn-suckers of Mormon-dom?
Horn-icopia of pleasure.
Toot my horn. Blow my horn. Toot my own horn (need to do more yoga, it looks like).
Take the bull by its horns.
Green horns (new missionaries, shortened to "greenies" in most Mormon vernacular.)
You can get to first base, second base, third base and home -- even when you strike out by taking the ball around the horn.
Oh, and why do cuckold's get horns? Indication that someone else has horned in on his territory, possibly? As a result of the cuckold/horn connection, the verb "to horn" means to get it on with someone else's spouse.
And then when those rams ram their horns together --
And finally --
I suppose we all know the reason all girls like unicorns -- the mythical, ever erect, solitary horn.

Ulysses and the Mormons

James Joyce's novel Ulysses has been the bane of my existence for some time. I've tried to read it for over twenty five years and am amidst my most current assault on the text, having penetrated over 450 pages so far.

Amidst the Circe episode detailing Leopold Bloom's hallucinations in the Dublin red light district on June 16, 1904, Bloom is dreaming of his trial for harassing the good women of Dublin. The episode is written in the style of a play.

First Watch: He is a marked man. Another girl's plait cut. Wanted: Jack the Ripper. A thousand pounds reward.

Second Watch: (Awed, whispers.) And in black. A mormon. Anarchist.

The Crier: (Loudly.) Whereas Leopold Bloom of no fixed abode is a wellknown dynamitard, forger, bigamist, bawd and cuckold and a public nuisance to the citizens of Dublin and whereas at this commission of assizes the most honorable . . .

(His Honour, sir Frederick Falkiner, recorder of Dublin, in judicial garb of grey stone rises from the bench, stonebearded. He bears in his arms an umbrella sceptre. From his forehead arise starkly the Mosaic ramshorns.)

The Recorder: I will put an end to this white slave traffic and rid Dublin of this odious pest. Scandalous! (He dons the black cap.) Let him be taken, Mr. Subsheriff, from the dock where he now stands and detained in custody in Mountjoy prison during His Majesty's pleasure and there be hanged by the neck until he is dead and therein fail not at your peril or may the Lord have mercy on your soul. Remove him.

Wow! In less than a page Bloom is classified as a serial killer, a mormon, an anarchist, a forger, a bawd, a bigamist, a cuckold, a public nuisance, a political rabble-rouser, a white slave trader and a general pest, prompting him in the most Republican fashion to be sentenced to death. Bless the Courts of the United States that saw fit to allow such obscenity into our country back in December of 1933. While the 1933 fight raged over the obscenity trial, I think it is interesting to find the perception of the outside world of seventy years ago. James Joyce never got to see any "Give your children everything, give them your time" public service announcements. For him, "Mormon" was a derogatory term heaped upon the other charges against Bloom -- a term that denoted lasciviousness and wanton surrender to the appetites of the flesh.

Ahh, for the good old days of Mormonism.

P.S. I noticed the horns on the recorder and it made me think of the old rumors that Mormon's had horns. Does anyone know the origin of how Mormons came to have horns? Is it a carry over from the lascivious satyr or the horned cuckold?