4x4: Group Sex, Aging and Mormonism

I turned 44 this week. I half expect something mystical to occur in a year with double digits. I immediately thought of all the things that start with a 4:

Four Seasons

Four Elements

Four Points on the Compass

Four Corners

I could go on, but I've also been reading Thomas Pynchon's Against the Day and of course I came across passage making a unique utilization of the imaginary geographic entity known as "The Four Corner's Region":

They took her down to the Four Corners and put her so one of her knees was in Utah, one in Colorado, one elbow in Arizona and the other in New Mexico -- with one point of insertion exactly above the mythical crosshairs itself. Then rotated her four different ways. Her small features pressed into the dirt, the blood-red dirt.

So in addition to the Mile High Club, I am now obsessed in my 44th year to find a woman and get down to the Four Corners and fuck in all four states at once -- maybe even achieving four different states of consciousness in the process. Drilling my cock into her cunt right on the bulls eye, with our four arms and four legs intertwined as one flesh -- the four elements appear as well with the fire of our loins, the water of her pussy, the hot air of our breath commingled all on the earthy stone -- our heads point north along the Utah-Colorado border, our feet point south down through New Mexico and Arizona and the orgasm generating out from our genitals flows perpendicular to the East and the West completing a sexual mandala.

With all these fours running through my head, I revert to my Mormon heritage which does not (at least in eternity) bind me to one solitary female partner and begin to think of a daisy chain foursome covering four states at once. Calling the Guinness Book of World's Records: The world's first group sex held simultaneously orgasming in four states at once. Foursomes provide multiples of fours in legs, tits, arms, eyes, ears and balls. Of course, we would have to go in some type of 4x4 given the rough terrain of Southern Utah, with lots of extended foreplay on the close to 444 mile drive from Farmington, Utah to the closest city, Farmington, New Mexico -- both of which begin with "F", as does "Four" and "Fuck"

The debate about polygamy is so misguided. (Here is where I get serious.) To understand and deal with the psychological implications of growing up either

1) male ;

2) female;

3) straight; or

4) gay

in a religion whose doctrine espouses polygamy requires an understanding of not just polygamous abuses, but the strong sexual and spiritual compulsion -- that urge to merge into the oneness -- that is bred into each of our culturally Mormon psyches.

Someone needs to do a sociological study on the sex habits of the Mormons who have left the church. How many sex partners? How many Tantra workshops? How many serial monogamous relationships? My guess is it is significantly higher than the average U.S. culture, because there is a spiritual, as well as a physical promise, that comes from the subliminally indoctrinated promise of communal sex and free love.

Our aspiration was to become like the ancient City of Enoch -- transformed, translated, transcending common existence and being raised up into heaven as one heart and one mind into God's bosom-- one giant celestial fucking orgy. (Moses 7:18, 69) One heart, one mind, one flesh -- if the symbolic oneness of the act of consummating and carrying out the marriage of a male and a female works for two, why not four, why not more? And of course being a guy, the two girls per boy scenario is fantastically fun.

Moses 7:62-65 gives me my scriptural basis for this argument: (Link warning -- the links are straight from scriptures.lds.org-- no further translation has been provided.)

62 And righteousness will I send down out of heaven; and truth will I send forth out of the earth, to bear testimony of mine Only Begotten; his resurrection from the dead; yea, and also the resurrection of all men; and righteousness and truth will I cause to sweep the earth as with a flood, to gather out mine elect from the four quarters of the earth, unto a place which I shall prepare, an Holy City, that my people may gird up their loins, and be looking forth for the time of my coming; [People wonder why we went to church -- to gird up our loins and come, of course.] for there shall be my tabernacle, and it shall be called Zion, a New Jerusalem.

63 And the Lord said unto Enoch: Then shalt thou and all thy city meet them there, and we will receive them into our bosom, and they shall see us; and we will fall upon their necks, and they shall fall upon our necks, and we will kiss each other; [Elder Wanker's Translation Through the Power of His MelcheziDick: We'll suck on their tits and the nape of their neck and make out like crazy.]

64 And there shall be mine abode, and it shall be Zion, which shall come forth out of all the creations which I have made; and for the space of a thousand years the earth shall rest. [A thousand year fuck party.

65 And it came to pass that Enoch saw the day of the coming of the Son of Man. [And who says prophets can't watch porno? He even got to see the money shot. Not to mention, how much fun it will be in that millennial sex party to gather round the orgy and sing with gusto and verve: Cum, cum ye Saints.]

Yet, at the same time I'm a puritanically chaste creature that feels extreme guilt and agonizes over my sexual morality. Everybody rants and raves about polygamy. Everybody rants and raves about the Mormon Victorian attitudes. Why aren't we discussing how those activities play out in our lives, our actions and our fantasies? It seems much more relevant than haggling over whether Joseph was horny or not -- he was. Or whether Joseph was a charismatic mystic with a strong religious bent-- he was. (Most charismatic mystics end up being horny, comes with the mystical God territory.) We need to talk about why we fuck who we fuck and how often we fuck and what the fuck it is all about. (That was four fucks, in case you weren't counting and fuck has four letters. Please four-give me four I know not what I do four you and four you.)

Polygamous House For Sale! Take Me Down to Colorado City

FOR SALE -- CHEAP!!!

19 Bedrooms, 3 Commercial Kitchens and Jacuzzi Tubs in every bathroom (Enough room for 4 wives and 27 children and one large male ego) in that last bastion of religious freedom -- Colorado City.

Here at Mormon Erotica, I feel it is my duty to keep you up to date on breaking news stories that touch upon the periphery of this blog and what better way to start out a New Year than with a recent new story that tips its hat to those vestiges of an early Mormon Heritage, the FLDS of Hildale and Colorado City. Apparently the legal troubles and new settlements in Texas or Canada, have the polygamous faithful flocking out of Southern Zion. Left behind for the beleaguered Trustee, appointed to govern over the FLDS communal property trust, are huge, vacant houses -- that are bigger than even stuff on the East Bench in Salt Lake County. The whole mess is detailed in today's Salt Lake Tribune Article by Brooke Adams.

While reading the paper this morning I discovered another article from that region of Utah's Dixie: Overcrowding Has Kane County Seeking New Jail. The sub-heading on the article states that "There especially is a need for more space for women inmates and an up-to-code kitchen." All I could think was "Man, I know where you can buy a jail on the cheap, with three brand new kitchens and it already feels like a women's prison." Kanab and Hildale are in the same county afterall and it is just a short 45 minute drive across the reservation to the new jail.

Besides solving the Kane County jail crisis, I was also pleased to read about all the hot tubs those polygamists had. Whoever said polygamy wasn't about sex . . .

And lest our readers think that I'm not out pounding the pavement for my own blog scoop, I had the good fortune to have an in with one of Warren Jeff's arresting officers and he provided me with a bootleg tape of a fundamentalist Mormon band, doing a cover of Guns n' Roses' Paradise City, but with the words had been slightly changed. So here for the first time in print I give you the lyrics to the Warren Jeffs On the Lam Anthem: Colorado City:

Take me down
To Colorado City
Where the ass is teen
And my wives are many

Take me home (Oh won't you please take me home)

Take me down
To Colorado City
Where the ass is teen
And my wives are many
Take me home (Oh won't you please take me home)

A bunch of urchins livin' on the street
Bein’ a welfare case is a tough gig to beat
All of us a charity case
So buy us somethin' to eat
I'll pay you back another time
Tax you to the end of time

Ragz to richez or so they say
Ya gotta-keep runnin' from the warrants and fame
It was only a teen tumble
Faith is just a sex game
Ya’ll treat it like a capital crime
Everybody's goin’ to do some time

Take me down
To Colorado City
Where the ass is teen
And my wives are many
Oh won't you please take me home

Take me down
To Colorado City
Where the ass is teen
And my wives are many
Take me home

Stripped of our cash
From the judge’s chamber
Why that Trustee is hear I can't quite remember
To bad Word of Wisdom says it's hazardous to breathe
I could use a cigarette but I can't sin you see
Tell me who you're gonna believe

Take me down
To Colorado City
Where the ass is teen
And my wives are many
Take me home

Oh won't you please take me home

So far away -- Texas is so far away, so far away

Captain Moroni's been torn apart
Now Jeffs’ a court jester with a broken heart
He said-Track me down or take me back to the tarts
My Brothers must be losin' their minds-'Man I’m in a bind!'
Christ, I could come a million times

Take me down
To Colorado City
Where the ass is teen
And my wives are many

Take me down To Colorado City
Where the ass is teen
But the girls ain’t pretty
Oh won't you please take me home

Repeat Chorus Ad Nauseam

NPR On Point on Polygamy

On November 29, 2006, On Point with Tom Ashbrook broadcast a show on polygamy in Utah. You can download on I-tunes as well.

Nothing particularly erotic about the show. Mark Shurtleff, Utah's Attorney General, makes an appearance sounding like a politician and prosecutor. Vicki Prunty, Director of Tapestry Against Polygamy, a non-profit organization based in Salt Lake City, was placed in opposition to Mary Allred, third wife in a polygamous marriage.

The most interesting thing is the discussion about the US v. Reynolds . Here is a nostalgic quote from the court on polygamy, back in 1879:

Polygamy has always been odious among the northern and western nations of Europe, and, until the establishment of the Mormon Church, was almost exclusively a feature of the life of Asiatic and of African people. At common law, the second marriage was always void (2 Kent, Com. 79), and from the earliest history of England polygamy has been treated as an offence against society. After the establishment of the ecclesiastical courts, and until the time of James I., it was punished through the instrumentality of those tribunals, not merely because ecclesiastical rights had been violated, but because upon the separation of the ecclesiastical courts from the civil the ecclesiastical were supposed to be the most appropriate for the trial of matrimonial causes and offences against the rights of marriage, just as they were for testamentary causes and the settlement of the estates of deceased persons.

By the statute of 1 James I. (c. 11), the offence, if committed in England or Wales, was made punishable in the civil courts, and the penalty was death.

Well, Shurtleff wasn't propounding the death penalty, but I wouldn't give Tapestry Against Polygamy any rope.

As this blog progresses, I'm not interested in rehashing all of the old polygamy arguments -- abuse of the patriarchy, welfare fraud, women as property, etc. The much more intriguing polygamy discussion is how the specter of polygamy effects Mormon's erotic imagination.

An Email Following Up On An IM Chat

First -- yes, I was shamelessly flirting with you.

Second -- yes, the flirting got me aroused.

Third -- I truly wish there was a way to maintain the mystical connection I feel with all the women (not really that many) who I've had the great honor of being able to make love to. It isn't hard for me to love them all in their individuality and sexuality. That isn't a line or a seduction
technique, I genuinely feel this way. The fact that you granted me access to your body last week is something that I find very sacred and wonderful -- So, thank you.

Fourth -- Circumstances had conspired to make me quite bold tonight. I'm home alone (in my
cluttered house).

Fifth -- I know you had some rejection issues with me and I can assure you that it had nothing to do with your sex appeal, which is significant. Even more so after tasting you, licking you and entering you. If food metaphors weren't cliched, I'd say you were a dish I'd like to devour again.

Sixth -- I do wish there were a way to divorce negative emotion from sex, but hey -- there must needs be opposition in all things, or something like that. Great physical pleasure opposed by emotional strife.

Seventh -- I wouldn't mind talking to you face to face about some of these things. I was serious about my invite. I'm home alone, naked and in bed until about 6:30 a.m. tomorrow morning, so if you want to take advantage of me you'll need to call and I'll be sure to pick up the phone.

Eighth -- My Girlfriend. You know I don't write an email without thinking about how she would feel if she were to read it. We both have our mechanisms for keeping each other at bay, of keeping the relationship from becoming too serious. (Hers is refusing to live with me and mine is being OK with that.) Is the fact I'm proposing to fuck you again immoral as a result? I don't know. Maybe I'm truly polygamous at heart? I do love you all and would prefer to not see any pain for any of you -- even my former spouse (who I'm quite irritated with right now, but still don't wish her ill). Maybe it is my fear of death and my attachment to the female goddess in all its glorious forms that grounds me, albeit momentarily and ironically, in eternity.

Could be or that could be a massive bullshit rationalization for getting laid. There goes that opposition thing again. So, from one screwed up human being to another -- thanks for keeping me "up" as long as you did tonight. I will always consider you a dear friend and will always be honored that you let me worship in that holy temple of your body.