The Bondage of Religion

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Before I begin, let me rant just a little over the fact that I had drafted a marvelous post and lost it into the cyber-ether. Damn it all to hell.

Now, on to more pleasant topics: This choice little video (if I can get it to upload properly and not completely obliterate my prose, my links, my footnote and my Shakespeare quotes) does wonders for re-interpreting Second Nephi 1: 13-15.

So for today's scripture study, I want you to watch the video and contemplate the implications of the following scripture -- especially after you know what God did with that hot little virgin Mary.

13 O that ye would awake; awake from a deep sleep, yea, even from the sleep of hell, and shake off the awful chains by which ye are bound, which are the chains which bind the children of men, that they are carried away captive down to the eternal gulf of misery and woe.

14 Awake! and arise from the dust, and hear the words of a trembling parent, whose limbs ye must soon lay down in the cold and silent grave, from whence no traveler can return[1]; a few more days and I go the way of all the earth.

15 But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.

It is good to know that God is only going to let the bondage game go on so long before he decides to encirle you about eternally in the arms of his hot, heavenly love. Watching that video, I was thinking, "Now, if I were God, sitting nigh up to Kolob, and that girl was all tied up in those painful looking ropes, why I would free her and redeem her and let her behold my glory."

Sorry women, but this is a patriarchal religion after all and you'll just have to be gratified with being saved from your bondage.

[1] I've wanted to do a footnote ever since I saw Gluby do it on his blog. I didn't have anything and then I realized that Lehi's little bondage speech contained some language that I had read before -- not when I was re-reading 2 Nephi for the twentieth time because I could never get past the sections where Isaiah was copied from the Old Testament, but rather from one of my even more frequent readings of the most famous dramatic soliloquy of all time. Ladies and Gentleman of the blogosphere, I give you Hamlet's To Be or Not To Be speech:

To be or not to be, that is the question —

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, . . . blah blah blah all in iambic pentameter . . .

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscovered country from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will,

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all

I'm so grateful that Shakespeare and Hamlet had the good sense to quote an Ancient American Prophet from 600 B.C. Shakespeare was so incredibly attune to the truth and nature of life. Yet, it appears that Joseph Smith and Hamlet suffered from the same cognitive disconnect -- they both seemed to know a lot of travellers from death's undiscovered country. Hamlet talked to the ghost of his father -- did he just forget about that? And Joe had a regular revolving door of the dead -- Christ, Moroni, Peter, James, John, John the Baptist, Elijah, Moses, etc. But alas, for us mere mortals, we have decidedly few visitors, but hey what do I know? I am but mad north by northwest, when the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw.

Merry Fucking Christmas!

This is a picture of the Virgin Mary I got off of Susie Bright's Blog -- she was using it to talk about Global Orgasm Day or G.O.D. for short. If you didn't come on December 22, you are going to have to wait for G.O.D. until next year.

Between the picture and the acronym, I plummeted into a spiritual rapture. This in fact is the Mary of Mormon-dom. This is Mary the Mother of Christ. This is why every good little Mormon boy wants to be righteous.

The theological basis are two fundamental concepts of Mormon doctrine:

1. As man now is, God once was, as God now is Man may become.

2. 1 Nephi 11:14-18 of the Book of Mormon. I have put in a modern day English translation as well, for those of you unaccustomed to reading translations off of golden plates:

14 And it came to pass that I saw the a heavens open; and an angel came down and stood before me; and he said unto me: Nephi, what beholdest thou?

Nephi: Holy shit! You are an angel.

Angel: "Wadda ya see?".

15 And I said unto him: A virgin, most beautiful and fair above all other virgins.

Nephi: "A virgin, a damn fine virgin -- the hottest virgin ever."

16 And he said unto me: Knowest thou the condescension of God?

Angel: "Did you know God gets down?"

17 And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

Nephi: "I knew God loves us, but you've got to be kidding me -- seems a little bit too much like some Catholic priests."

18 And he said unto me: Behold, the virgin whom thou seest is the mother of the Son of God, after the manner of the flesh.

Angel: "Nope, I'm not kidding you. God banged that hot virgin and knocked her up. She had a boy."

The logical conclusion of these two doctrines for any young devout male believer is that be good and you can become like God and go around impregnating the hottest virgins on the worlds you create. So now you know why my heart started fluttering when Susie posted that picture of Mary. I even sent an email to the artist to see if I could buy a print. I want to spend more of my time contemplating the glories of the celestial realms of heaven.

As Christmas time winds down, I'm a little dismayed that this year I never quite captured the true spirit of a Mormon Christmas. Although I believe that all you Christians should be damn glad that Mary was hot enough to have God knock her up, so we can go out and spend all our cash during the winter solstice.

Korihor Or How to Be An Anti-Christ