Porn to DI For -- New Monday Column

In my first attempt at putting some regularity into my blogging, I am going to introduce my new weekly column:

Shopping for Porn At The Deseret Industries

or

Porn to DI For

For the non-Mormon crowd, the Deseret Industries (hereinafter "DI") is simply the Mormon version of a thrift store. Affluent church members dump their junk in a dumpster like drop-off and the poor, mentally handicapped and destitute of Utah's Mormon society are hired to provide the labor in getting the junk back on the market and then selling it back to the less fortunate -- kind of a capitalist version of the United Order[1].

Of course only the poor or counter-culture college students with thrift store fetishes actually shop at the DI, except for the possible exception of Halloween, when the DI might be the only place to find that polyester shirt you need for your 70's costume. This explains the billboards with little babies dressed as bumble bees that say "Costumes to DI For" on I-15.

For a bibliophile like myself, I have found the occasional gem of a book at the DI for the low cost of $0.75, but what I am most fascinated with is the books that the wealthy Mormon houses feel like they need to discard.

Tossing away porn is an art form in shame filled Utah. How else do you explain the ability of scouting leaders to actually enlist 12 year old teenage boys to help put trash in garbage bags on a Saturday morning? Scouts pick up trash for those glorious moments when there by the road side and twenty yards away from the scout master, the Scout is prepared to pocket the scrap of brown edged glossy newsprint, dimpled with tire tracks and rocks, and holding a glorious glimpse of pink. Those signs saying that such and such Scout Troop #669 has adopted this stretch of highway should add "For the Collection of Porn."

After seeing one such sign during an excursion through the barren red rock wasteland of Southern Utah and overcome with guilt for possessing the silky paged copulations of breast enhanced nymphets, I unrolled my window and tossed the magazine, Club, I think, or maybe High Society. The porn rag took on the distinct character of an insane wounded bird, flapping mightily but unable to actually fly. Gravity and speed did there thing splaying and spraying minute particles of porn along the roadside for the next testosterone addled adolescent. I try to keep a spare copy of a porn mag in the car, just in case I ever run across a Scout sponsored strip of highway. Be Prepared is this Eagle Scout's motto.

But, I digress. Porn at the DI. Porn to DI for. For those less direct than me in the distribution of porn to minors, Mormon households love to send their dirty books to the DI. In what can only be seen as a divine joke, Mormon sexual Puritanism combines with Mormon pioneer thriftiness and a book that is itself dripping with Satanic ink, isn't burned, but simply allowed to DI, be forgiven and resurrected for $0.75.

Now, I'm sure that there must be some system in place to keep Club and High Society from appearing on the DI shelves, but probably because those magazines are so -- visual. I don't think the person stocking the books at the DI can read or at least can't read and understand about sex simultaneously -- the DI version of the simultaneous orgasm. Going through books at the DI is a sexual smorgasbord, almost as good as going to Evanston.

The first book I chose for my new Monday column (yes, I realize it is now Tuesday, but it was a long day and it will still be Monday in the Pacific Time Zone) is the gloriously titled, And They Shall Be One Flesh: A Sensible Sex Guide for the L.D.S. Bride and Groom by Lindsay R. Curtis, M.D. The book must have had a great run, because it was reissued in paperback under the much more titillating title, Sensible Sex.

The first thing I noticed about this book (and it was retained in the paper back counterpart) is that this is definitely a 1968 Mormon sex book by the cover. Whoever designed this cover had a great sense of humor, because he put the male and female symbols in different boxes. The cover is like watching an old re-run of The Dick VanDyke Show, as Dick and Mary get into their separate single beds. This couple isn't one flesh, this couple has matching twin beds. Where their children came from is a complete mystery. Plus in typical fashion the male appears headed off in one direction and the female in another. I guess this is what happens when you make sex sensible.

This book is so incredibly rich in material, that it might have to make several appearances in the Porn to DI For column, but I'll conclude with a slight speculation that Dr. Curtis had mother-in-law issues. Why do I say this? Because I'd just bought a sex book at the DI and I slipped it into its brown paper sack and and hurried home with visions of a naked Adam and Eve being commanded by God (you know there are times you've really got to kind of like the Mormon/Old Testament God) to get busy and be one flesh. Surely, the book would start out with some salacious medical description of the joining of the Peter Priesthood with Molly's Holy of Holies.

Imagine my disappointment when the entire first chapter was entitled "The Solution to the 'In-Law' Problem". Dr. Curtis starts out promisingly quoting Genesis 2:24 and God commanding the first couple to get busy, but then he unexpectedly goes beserk in the second sentence with this choice gem: "It would seem that God in His wisdom anticipated many problems that would eternally nag [emphasis added] the human race, not the least of which would be "in-law" relationships."

The first question that sprung to my mind was "What the fuck?"

The second was "Is Adam Eve's father in-law since she came from his rib and what does this say about the in-law problem?"

The third was "Does this mean that as children of Adam, created by God, makes God the Father, not only God the Father, but God the Father-in-law?

And finally, if as Dr. Curtis suggests in the Chapter that in-laws can be a detrimental to newlywed sex and God is in some respect our Eternal Father-in-law, does that make God a detriment to our sex life?

As I realized that the answer to the last question was yes, I decided I needed to tip my hat to Dr. Curtis. What a subversive little fucker, telling young little Mormon couples to forget God and hump like Ex-Mos and hippies at Burning Man all under the guise of hating his own mother-in-law, but alas I kept reading. . .

To Be Continued

Tune in Next Week for More Crazy Adventures of Dr. Curtis in Sensible Sex Land

Comments until that time will be appreciated

And now for the footnote:

[1]The United Order led to the strange naming of towns along Highway 89 such as Orderville. Many forget that Joseph Smith had the heart of a hippie. Not only should the love be shared all around, but all the food and land too. The sharing of food, land and property is one of those vestiges of the old kewl Mormonism that hasn't lasted. Did you know that all those devout temple going folks up on the hill in Bountiful promised in the temple ceremony to abide by the Law of Consecration (the Law of Consecration being Joseph Smith's idea that you needed to consecrate all of your property to the Lord for the common good.) Maybe I should rejoin and go start knocking on doors, asking for them to share the wealth now that I'm back in the fold. Surely, the Brethern will enforce the sacred oaths made in the temple, especially since my furnace is broke. Ah, but wait, I forgot, the DI is the modern version of the Law of Consecration. I guess I'll just stay apostate and keep buying porn.