The Magic Kingdom is the closest thing Mormons have to an earthly version of the Celestial Kingdom. The ritual vacation to Disneyland in a mini-van, fraught with the danger of leaving one of the eight kids at a rest stop, is the Celestial family's right of passage. Disney also signifies wholesome and uplifting G-rated fare for Monday night viewing (and for those of my generation, Sunday night's The Wonderful World of Disney was the fourth church meeting of the day). An entire generation of Mormon children were raised on the mystical stories of Ariel the Mermaid, Belle the Beauty, Jasmine the Iraqi and Angel Moroni.
As the mass media became more massive, Disney multiplied and replenished itself across the earth. Most changes were for the better and Walt was surreptitiously baptized for the dead and given his temple endowments at about the time of the release of The Little Mermaid. His necrophilic baptismal dunking even erased the sin of that apostate Touchstone division that developed R-rated movies.
Soon Walt was working his magic from the spirit world and Disney bought ABC and ESPN ravaging Monday Night Football, relegating it to ESPN, in a move that Mormons could only see as providential, since pure tithe payers couldn't afford cable. The Disney Channel was the Clean Flicks answer to cable television – the Mousketeers, the remakes of old Disney Classic movies like The Parent Trap, the geeky live action princess of The Princess Diaries. Disney captured every little Mormon girl's heart.
The Second Coming of Christ must be at hand – a DVD in every mini-van spreading the gospel of Disney.
All would have been well in Zion if it weren't for that fucking devil, Lucifer the Son of the Morning. In what can only be considered a coup rivaling his first victory in the Garden of Eden with his long, tempting snake, the Devil went down to Disney and has reeked havoc.
Alice may be jacking off to get to Wonderland – but she isn't the only one.
Former Mousketeers commit all kinds of atrocities making Annette's Beach Blanket Bingo pale in comparison: Justin Timberlake sings songs about Sexy Back (is that anal sex guys?) and strips an accused pedophile's sister's blouse, exposing her nipple at the Super Bowl, plus he is apparently boning Cameron Diaz. Britney is flashing her cunt all over the internet. You know things are bad when Christina Aguilera seems like the purest one of the bunch.
Then there are the movie stars. Not to be out done by her Mousketeer counterparts, Lindsay of The Parent Trap flashes, exposes her nipples and is going to be in a new movie as a topless dancer. In a slightly more subtle descent into decadence, Anne Hathaway obliterates her princess-ness with a see-through blouse and starring in movies where she not only gets naked, she gets jiggy. and marries a gay guy.
The one deficiency the Devil has is he is lacking some gay Disney. I just don't think the Britney/Madonna/Christina kiss fest or a drunken Lindsay making out with some girl qualifies. Where is the gay Gaston? The gay Genie? Hook as Peter Pan's jilted lover and cranky having to settle for Smee? Maybe they are all hiding out with Winnie the Pooh and Tigger. Maybe Ursla the Sea Witch is really a drag queen. Hopefully, the perverse readers of this blog can enlighten us on which Disney character gets them the hottest and we can give Beelzebub a hand.
I say this in the name of Mickey Mouse, Amen.
7 comments:
Well, I can't stand Justin Timberlake, even if he does dance well. He's a weenis, and proved it with the "wardrobe malfunction." And I have always been fascinated by Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Anne Hathaway. I never tire of watching these women. I'm attracted to how they are able to be so attractive to others. It fascinates me and makes me want to know their secret.
You wanted to know which Disney character makes me hottest (since I'm one of the perverse)...
Um...
1. The Beast from Beauty and the Beast (as the beast only...after he changes back to human there's something not as attractive about him at all.)
2. The Captain on Mulan. Hubba hubba.
3. The Hun leader in Mulan is also attractive. In an evil, powerful way.
4. Ernst in Swiss Family Robinson. Or was it Fritz? The older brother is the hot one. Especially with his shirt off, building that awesome house in the trees I want someday.
5. Did Disney create Ella Enchanted? I love the main character guy in that one. He's pretty hot.
6. Prince Eric in The Little Mermaid. What's attractive is how he seeks her and loves her and can't forget about her after she saved him.
Mmm
If we're going there, I wanna talk about Capt'n John Smith AND Pocahontas....I want them both. Smith kisses Pocahontas in a deep-throat tongue kiss that defies all the good morals of the Mormon family values. You could practically see his pudgy. But at least they were NORMAL looking (except for P's non-existent nose).
Disney's characters got all freaky around The Little Mermaid. What happened to all of them? They used to be hot, like Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) and Prince Phillip (hubba hubba). Then they morphed into these doll-like things that anatomically resembled three year olds (giant heads, huge eyes, small bodies.) Jasmine of Aladdin was the creepiest of them all. And she was slutty. Not that that is a bad thing--unless you have a three year old daughter that fantasizes about being tied up by Jafar nightly. Good clean fun, my ASS.
Are you kidding me? Disney is GAY GAY GAY! The Christian "wrong" is on their ass constantly because they provide gay employees with domestic partners benefits, and sponsor GAY DAY at UNIVERSAL'S ISLANDS OF ADVENTURE and GAY DAY at DISNEY'S MAGIC KINGDOM.
And don't forget Hermes from Hercules. He's the gayest character ever. There is so much homo stuff in Disney cartoons.
Speaking of which, (this isn't Disney, but it's related): Has anyone noticed that Earl and his brother sleep together on My Name is Earl?
I laughed at the closing remarks. "I say this in the name of Mickey Mouse, amen." Loved it!
Everyone amazed me with the breadth and the depth of Disney depravity --
I was interested to find out the Disney men's side of the erotic equation.
SML,
I'm with you on the Beast -- he was completely castarated after the change into the Prince. He looked like he belonged in the Vienna's Boy Choir.
JulieAnn,
Now that is a threesome I wouldn't mind seeing -- you, Poke-her-cunt-ass and John Smith.
The odd, large eyes you noted may be a by-product of Japan anime.
Steve,
I knew about Disney's Gay Day and pro Gay stance, which makes the Utah locals adoration in light of their beliefs a delicious dose of irony.
Hermes was right on. Enlighten me on the other gay Disney characters/themes.
LB,
Didn't you know Mickey died for our sins?
Dare I even mention Tarzan? I mean, come on! He is about the gayest icon ever. The whole matchup with Jane is about as much cover as Rock Hudson paired with Dinah Shore. And how about those seven dwarfs livin' together, and kinda freaked out when a female comes around. Hellooooo! Lot's of men sleepin' together in Disney cartoons, by the way. Think about Donald in bed with Mickey. I know you've seen it. Oh, and don't forget Peter Pan - a little fairy looking guy named Peter hanging out with the "lost boys?" Puh-LEEZ. Not to mention his best friend is a drag queen fairy named "Tinker Bell." Or how about the Aristocats? Weren't they the gayest group ever? A bunch of pussies living in GAY PURREE! *snap* Oh fuck it! I almost forgot Lilo & Stitch, a little number Disney has admitted is full of pro-homosexual themes, including a cross dressing character (how many of those have we seen from Disney over the years?) The creator of this "masterpiece" admitted in an interview in The Advocate that the target audience for the film was "non-traditional families." Can you do more gender fucking than Kim Possible by the way? And TIGGER! My goodness, I don't think I've ever seen a gayer character with so much charisma. Even as children we knew he was a faggot. Not to mention the rest of the characters at Pooh Corner - I swear, it was more the cast of a gay bar than a woods. And don't forget the brou-ha-ha over the Aladdin release that had a giant dick on the front posing as one of the buildings. And Aladdin - now does he play to the gay audience, or what? Power Rangers? Need I say more?
All in all, Disney animation is giving us exactly what we would expect from a workforce that is heavily dominated by gay staff. And we love it. Else why would we clamor for it so? I know when I watch ANY Disney feature, there are ALWAYS gay characters and themes. If you watch closely, you might see big dicks and things posing in the landscape - but you have to be tuned into to see it. Most people wouldn't even think about such things when watching these movies.
Yep. Disney is gay gay gay.
Steve,
This actually explains more about Mormon culture in a way that only an outsider could help us see. I've pondered for years why Mormons have such a strong gay sub-group. Now I know, it was all that gay Disney -- It's as goofy as fucking Mickey.
Thanks.
Oh and a pic or two for you SML -- A little Mermaid/Eric action. Don't ever let it be said that I don't try and satisfy those faithful readers, willing to comment.
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